Being afraid of food

So as I mentioned I was never diagnosed with an eating disorder. The doctors just said that I eat extremely healthy which is good but that it's not "normal" to eat nothing and then start to eat huge amounts of food (like binging).

My journey with food:

My blood count was very good but there was a time when I felt bad almost every time I ate sth no matter what.

My fist thought was maybe my body just wants me to eat nutritional food so I ate vegetables etc. This has helped me a lot but I had this feeling that this wasn't healthy at all. Not the veggies but how I ate. Bcs I've learned how to control by appetite I was aware of when I started to eat when I was boring for example.

But often I didn't ate to whole day and then at 3 am the hunger came which means 5 peanut butter breads, 2 portions of pasta, ice-cream...

Even tho when I ate some veggies during the day I didn't know how to eat balanced so YES carbs YES carbohydrates, YES fruits and the sugar included, YES fats and protein.

A balanced meal would be a small portion of rice with some veggies, beans, tomato sauce, some herbs, a lil salad before and some nuts.

But I haven't thought of sth like that bcs I was so obsessed with being skinny and lean.

I lost a lot of muscle but also gained weight bcs of this irregular eating.

I didn´t realized that this isn't healthy so I continued for example eating at 3am, sleeping till 1pm, going to the gym till 3pm, then eating as less as possible with a protein shake, going to bed at 10 and being awake till midnight until the hunger came.

This was just a typical routine of my life.

Of course mental health was a huge part of that too (well it's not the food it's how you feel abt it) but especially bcs of that you should eat enough.

What I did to change my eating behavior:

Of course Therapie has helped me with that a lot too but also telling ppl what I ate so I had that kind of obligation to eat regularly. My mom thinks very simple with that she's like eat when your hungry like what's the point.

But I'm a over thinker and then I think abt am I hungry or is it just appetite. Am I hungry or do I need certain nutritions which I can get from other food to with less calories or carbs.

This whole toxic thinking abt eating just made me go crazy and of course my concentration wasn't the best too.

Bcs there's not one guideline how to eat correctly so was kind of hard for me to know what is even right eating. Which is also why I'm very excited to learn abt that more soon.

I could talk abt this for hours but I'm just afraid to listen to my instincts when it comes to eating. I'm afraid that I let my emotions overwhelm me and I shut them down with food.

I just complicate the whole subject on myself but when it comes to giving advice to others I'm like my mom "Just eat when you're frkn hungry like wth".

Now I'm of course still not completely healthy with that but it's a loot better. Giving myself breaks and doing whatever I want helps very much.

Listen to myself and my desires instead of making obligations which just stresses me out.

That's sth I also did a lot. When I could take a break I was also afraid of it so the "to do list" just continuous. Consequently the things I did weren't as good as they could be bcs I wasn't recharging myself.

How I deal with that now:

What I'm trying to do know is to waken up my inner child (I'll also write abt that) bcs as a kid we really did eat when we were hungry and we didn't thought abt it that much.

I know when I'm hungry I wanna eat healthy.

Also not being so obsessed with working out. I haven't worked out in a week now and I feel good but I'm also motivated to go again.

I have realized that I'm very very often in survival mood without even realizing it so that's not good for me in the longterm so I try to change that.

When I'm in survival mood I feel like I could run for hours but when I try I only have the energy for 5 min and then I'm extremely exhausted.

So that's also the same with making decisions. You think you are full of energy but you can´t -of course- hold that. I kind of figure out how to set realistic but challenging goals food- and workout wise. I tend to make high goals and then be stressed out.

It's always good to have big dreams and I wanna continue that but with braking it into very small achievable peaces so I'm not that overwhelmed.

When it comes to my diet I learn now to eat chocolate when I want but also to get back to healthy for my own good.

I haven´t eaten any sugar for 3 weeks expect of dark chocolate and fruits which makes me very proud cause that was a big issue when I had strong depression.

I deal with that every single day but that's also a motivation for me to educate myself on the food subject so I don't go crazy abt it.

When I learn how to eat healthy and balanced and when I know what I need daily there's no need for overthinking cause I have the security that what I do is healthy.

Anyways what abt you? Are you stressing yourself out over food? Lemme know <3